


What the f- THEO SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

by LunaLovegood2417



Series: Dramione one-shots [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bat-Bogey Hex, But I'm having fun so whatevs, Chocolate Fountain, Clueless!Theo, Destruction of a rather nice door in Theo's opinion, F/M, Hogwarts Reunion, Minor Pansy Parkinson/Ron Weasley, Pansy won't listen, Theodore Nott Pansy Parkinson friendship, idk what i'm doing with these tags, poor theo, punch - freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:27:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28804281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaLovegood2417/pseuds/LunaLovegood2417
Summary: Theo is forced into a Hogwarts reunion by Pansy Parkin- sorry Weasley. Also, there's punch.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy, Minor Daphne Greengrass/Fred or George the main character hasn't a clue neither do I, Pansy Parkinson/Ron Weasley
Series: Dramione one-shots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2042044
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	What the f- THEO SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hiccupfound](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiccupfound/gifts).



A/N  
M’kay, you know how some authors get drunk then write? This is a similar fic, except I was drunk on sugar (Since I’m only almost 14). LOTS of sugar. Hehe enjoy this semi crack fic, this is kinda based on an experience my parents had with a friend of theirs.

Theodore Nott was not going to the Hogwarts reunion. He hadn’t been to the first, the second or the third and he was adamant he wasn’t going to the fifth. That was, at least the plan until one very angry Pansy Parkin - dammit it was Weasley now, showed up at his doorstep, high heels, flawless makeup and all. He hid under his window sill, hoping she wouldn’t spot him. He heard her heels clicking on the ground, sounding further away, and he thought to himself, maybe, maybe this would be the day he escaped her.

It was not to be for poor Theodore Nott. He heard a very loud sigh from the other side of the door before a muttered, “Confringo.” His door burst into flames before melting away into ash. Shit. She stalked forwards towards him, murder in her eyes, before she let loose on her sister in law’s favoite hex. You know the one. The dreaded Bat bogey hex.

And did Theo scream? The answer is yes. Pansy relinquished the hex, her gaze disapproving. And to top it all off, her only way of greeting him was to yell at him. “What, exactly, do you mean by ‘I’m not going to the reunion’? Yes. You. Are. You haven’t been out to a proper social event for years and I for one think you are far too young to be a hermit!” 

Theo looked affronted. “Hey that's not true!” He cried, valiantly trying to reclaim his (admittedly small to begin with) reputation (Or at least what meger amount was left of it). Pansy snorted. “Once. That was Ron and I’s wedding! C’mon, may’s well, Drake and all the old gang will be there, well obviously not Crabbe, but Trace and Goyle will be there too.”

If Theo was honest with himself, he couldn’t be bothered to care what his acquaintances from his Hogwarts days were getting up to, but Pansy took his silence for acquiescence. She grabbed his arm in a vice like grip before dragging him through the ruins of his doorway. Then she apparated. He promptly threw up. All over the new designer carpet floor of Daphne Greengrass’s designer store. Said pureblood socialite wrinkled her nose. “You were right Pans, I’m gonna need all the help I can get.”

Pansy wordlessly shrugged before paying and then poor Theo was whipped away into the dressing room. 

(In a spongebob voice over)  
Four hours later

Theo scratched at his collar. Merlin’s beard, why were dress robes so heavy? Astoria, Daphne's younger sister, chided him. “Don’t you DARE touch your robes! If you wreck them my sister will have my head, and I in turn will haunt you!” Theo put his hand in his lap, desperately hoping, praying even that they would be allowed in soon. He could have sworn some higher power heard his desperate plea, letting them into the hall.

He walked into the entrance hall, stumbled on the hem of his robe, knocked over Professor Flitwick and somehow ended up in the chocolate fountain. He moaned in terror. Daphne was going to kill him.

He extracted himself from the sticky confines of the rapidly hardening chocolate before attempting to scourgify himself. Goshdarnit, it didn’t work, her new fabric magic resistant mostly so, in her words, neither of those blasted Weasley twins could prank her designer line again. Theo didn’t understand, as he was fairly sure he had caught Daphne snogging Fred, no George behind their store more than once. Stuck in his thoughts, Theo didn’t notice a person coming up behind him. 

“Theo my old friend!”

Said old friend clapped him on the back, making him stumble. Gregory Goyle caught him before righting his feet. Now, Theo was by no means a small man but Greg managed to dwarf everyone he met (Except for Hagrid. No one could make Hagrid seem small). Theo turned to his old friend, a smile plastered on his face. Greg decided, rather stupidly in fact, to put his arm around Theo. He swiftly tried to recoil, only to find the chocolate had hardened into a manacle, binding him to the smaller man. Goyle yanked his arm, thus sending Theo flying through the air.

Into the punch bowl. Why oh why couldn’t he have a good night out for once?

Theo sat up groggily, covered in punch. His head, oh Merlin. He climbed out of the bowl, his face red as Gryffindor and his pride bruised beyond repair. He spotted someone through the crowd who he was, for once happy to see. 

“Hey Drake!”

Draco turned his head, his blinding platinum hair (Theo was sure it had to be dyed, how else could it be that color? No one was naturally that good looking as well as great hair) flashing in the ballroom lights. He raised his drink in response before turning back to his company. Theo was rather annoyed, but then he saw another friendly face who he couldn’t not talk to.

“Hey Hermione, how’re you going?”

Hermione turned to him, her expression pleasantly surprised. “I’m good. You? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you venture out of the confines of your home.” 

Theo thought about the first question. “You want the honest answer or the Slytherin one?”

She laughed before noticing his attire. “Nevermind, I see your night hasn’t been the best. Hey do you mind grabbing me another glass of punch? My feet are killing me.”

Theo barely held back a dark scowl at the mention of punch. He instead, agreed cordially, not wanting to damage the friendship. “Sure, I’ll be back in a sec.”

He returned from his ill fated trip to the punch bowl rather disgruntled. He had been accosted by an angry Goblin wanting retribution for some great aunt Genivieve of his that a man named Bob (Someone Theo didn’t even know, nor had heard of) had kille. Said goblin had hysterically attacked him all the while yelling something about a Jerry. Theo didn’t even know anyone called Jerry for Merlin's sake. When he got back, he dropped both of the glasses. If his eyes were to be believed, he could see Draco and Hermione. 

Kissing like randy teenagers. 

He turned away, but the terrible image was already burned into his brain. Hermione noticed him first. “Oh I’m sorry we got carried away. This is my husband, Draco who you already know.”

Theo’s mouth dropped open, closed again and dropped open again, all in all giving the effect of a goldfish out of water. “You… When… How… What the F-”

Pansy decided to acost him at that second. “Theodore Nott shut your uncouth mouth!” 

She then hit him in the face, aiming for the mouth, but instead hitting his eye. He stumbled backwards, knocked over the aforementioned angry goblin who bit his backside. Theo screamed before blindly reaching out to stop it, tripping a dancer over who fell into another creating a dominoes effect. Ugh perfect. Pansy stood back, her hand over her mouth, looking quite sorry, but Theo knew, he just knew she was internally laughing at him. Ron walked up and surveyed the damage. He slung an arm around Pansy. “Nice one love.”

She scowled before they wandered away whispering to each other. The dancer who Theo had managed to knock over just so happened to be the Boy-Who-Lived and the Girl-Who-Knew-Him-best. Whatever crappy luck he was having, had just increased tenfold. Harry extracted himself from his date's arms before glaring at Theo. Theo gulped. Harry glared before Hermione rushed to stop a fight. “Theo, meet Harry, Harry meet Theo. Don’t murder each other, I do NOT need the paperwork.” 

They simultaneously rolled their eyes. Harry spoke first. “Oh gee ‘Mione, I’m just going to waltz over there and murder some rando covered in chocolate and what I think is punch and possibly lose my job. Yeah, I don’t think that my title will quite cover that.”

Hermione rolled her eyes at The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-So-Goddamned-Melodramatic before taking Theo by the arm and pulling him away. “Maybe it would be a better idea for you to go home.” She whispered in his ears. Theo looked positively relieved at the option, and he just nodded his head enthusiastically. 

He practically ran to the apparition point before leaving the godforsaken experience behind. Not bothering to change out of the soiled robes, he fell onto his bed with a groan, and as his head hit his pillow, Theo knew only one thing.

He was never going to a reunion again, Pansy be damned.

A/N  
Oh poor Theo, I bashed him quite badly didn’t I? I really hope you enjoyed it, and depending on what site you are using to read this, please read, review/comment, favorite/bookmark and follow!

Loony Lovegood out


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